I choose...

I have this tree out my back deck (not the one in picture) that is the most brilliant orange/red maple leaf tree ever. The sun has just peaked out from the dark black clouds and the leaves on this tree cast a glow through the window. I am reflecting back to yesterday morning.

I had the opportunity to offer my strength, hard work, presence to a family who most recently has suffered great loss. Three weeks ago their 19 year son was accidently killed during a hunting accident that happened on a neighboring property. My heart is filled with such sadness and grief for this family, for as a parent you never think your children will be taken before you. They are a farming family, one who depends on all the efforts of all their family to do daily routines/jobs. Being short a set of hands can make a huge difference in the amount of extra hours that need to be worked. The out pouring of love, support, help from their community, their church is amazing. And if they weren't dealing with tragedy enough, last week we had so much rain that they were forced to move their belongings to their upstairs as they became flooded over most of their farm. The cows are in extreme conditions, standing in their own manure for several days, cause there is no place for them to go. They even lost one to illness over these horrible conditions. Working hours are extreme sometimes getting no more than 2-3 hours of sleep each night. They have had no running water in their house for at least 5 days. Makes it more challenging for clean up, though because it was raining so hard, I was able to fill several buckets standing under an overflowing rain gutter.

Though my simple contribution of helping bring their belongings back to their correct place, washing floors/shelves did not compare to the work load this family faces everyday, I was so blessed to be in their presence and watch how incredibly real they were. They choose to be present and authentic in how they feel everyday. I watched Mom cuddle up in front of the fire with her sons pillow in her lap - just being next to the smell of him was comforting in this time of grief. Yes, they have days of tears and sadness, and they also have days where they must move forward. This family is handling this with more grace, strength, faith than possibly imaginable.

In my humbled state I don't feel like I have much to complain about. Yes, I anticpated, even expected to have received our referral already for our beautiful baby girl. And I do find myself angry, upset, bummed out, feel like kicking/screaming, crying because none of it is happening the way "I" wanted it to in "My" timeline. It's not about "ME". Yes, it affects me, but it's about so much more. My fellow farming family has helped me to see this. I can choose to remain in this state OR I can choose to be real, present.

What do I choose? I choose to live! I have 3 amazingly wonderful boys that I choose to love & enjoy the time I am getting to spend with them (though sometimes challenging). I choose to love & enjoy my husband more and more each day. I choose to get things/projects done while I don't have to worry about my 1 year old getting into. I choose to pray for Abigail ~ for her daily living conditions, for her abandonment and how that will affect her someday, for her mother/father who choose to leave her behind because their countries rules say so, for her heart. I choose to live each and every day to the fullest.